Build Me Up, Buttercup

The 'Evening Do' is one of the more recent of the annoying phenomena that come attached to weddings. These always wind me up, and when coupled with the 'Wedding Gift List' I find myself being pushed to the edge of wanting to rush into a packed wedding 'Evening Do' with a beehive and a honey spray.

What I can't understand is what is it with the 'Evening Do'? It's evidence that we're living in a more permissive society because if the young couple had decided to abstain from bonking until marriage, they really wouldn't want the tedium of the extended evening, making them even more tetchy and even more likely to be 'too tired'.

So what is the idea with the Evening Do? My experience suggests that there has been a not-so coincidental parallel growth with Evening Dos and Wedding Gift Lists.

Think about it; people don't invite any old Tom, Dick or Harry to the wedding reception. This in mind, though, the more people that are invited, the more gifts received. Great, except that some of the gifts received are worth less than the 'cost per head' for a reception.

The fix for this is the Wedding Gift List which allows the couple to set a minimum price for gifts thus ensuring a return on each seat in the reception.

But why stop there!? Why not have the reception but then, after that, another 'half-reception' where all the guests are still expected to bring expensive gifts but this reception will be cheaper with crappier food, dilluted drinks and music so loud that the couple won't have to make conversation with 'The Outer Circles'.

This really is a win-win situation for the couple; more gifts and fewer upset uninvitees.

But I don't buy it.

I don't like weddings at the best of times and as my chances of being in a wedding of my own fade like a British Summer Sunbeam, my mood isn't going to get any better, but I know that if someone wants me to go to their wedding reception, it's at least only half about the gift and I can half respect that. But I'm not a stocking-filler for an 'Evening Do' to spend an evening watching loose-tied yobs dance with skinny 19 year olds to 'Build Me Up Buttercup' holding pint glasses on their heads and thinking they're the lovechild of Tom Jones and Rambo.

Quite frankly, I have better things to do with my time and I can do without being used like that and if I ever get married (what follows may partly explain why I'll never tie the knot), there'll be no evening do, no wedding gift list and the reception food will be good old fashioned nosh; fish and chips or home made mashed potatos, gravy and a good bit of beef.