Where Do The Skinny Retards Come From?

I've been to plenty of weddings. I hate weddings so you could say I've been to too many weddings, but I've been to them. I've also looked at wedding photos and done the usual 'What a lovely day! You sure did have the weather for it! And look at that beautiful dress!' thing as well. It's one of those unwritten rules of society, like the rule that says you shouldn't go shopping barefoot.

But, back to my point. In all the weddings I've ever been to, one thing is common; Skinny retards. They're always there, balloon covered skeletons with handbags just about big enough to hold a lighter. They're always there.

That's the skinny bit. But retards? Yeah, because there doesn't appear to be a person there, only a bodily presence, kind of like a vacuum where there's no thought taking place.

Now, they have as much tight to be in these happy family functions as anybody else, and it's up to them if they want to turn up in practically no clothes whatsoever. Good for them. I don't know them and since I'm not the one getting married, who am I to complain?

But, for all the weddings in which I see these strange beings, I never see them in funerals. Always in weddings, never in funerals. Why is that?

Is this one of those things that makes weddings so expensive? Car, dress, reception, evening do..... and oh! Don't forget to hire the skinny retards!

There's usually at least three per wedding but I must admit, the richer the families getting married, the more skinny retards tend to be present. This suggests they're expensive - can't be the clothes (there's hardly anything to speak of), so maybe it's the makeup. All that foundation which could be used to provide better stability for Japanese buildings has to go cost something.

That's the only explanation I can think of as to why they're always at weddings (never one of the bridesmais though - think about it), sometimes at anniversary functions, often at big birthdays but never at funerals. After all, who wants a skinny retard decorating the room with their pouting good looks when you're too upset to stare at her?

Looking For Life In Stones

I love my dad. He's the best dad I could have ever asked for. He's taught me so many important lessons, I'm grateful for my dad.

My dad is not an astronaut. This isn;t an insult, it's nothing personal and I'm sure he won't mind me telling you that he isn't. He's never been into space.

If I found out that my sister had been going around telling everyone that our dad was an astronaut and that he'd done spacewalks and landed the space shuttle, I'd wonder what's wrong with her and if maybe she'd been smoking something special. This doesn't diminish the fact that I love my dad, this doesn't diminish the fact that my sister is still my sister, it's just that if she went around telling stories like that (which she doesn't), I'd be cringing an awful lot.

This is exactly how I feel when I read this story, about a man who found a picture of Jesus in some granite and wanted to buy it. Jesus has better things to do that draw pictures of our perception of him in bits of stone.

Unfortunately, this isn't an isolated case. People have found pictures of Jesus in tomatoes, crisps (potato chips to our American friends) and garage floors. Oddly, this isn't even limited to Christians since Muslims have celebrated seeing the name of their god in various fruit and vegetables.

But back to this story; why are people always looking for things to validate their beliefs in such crazy ways? Do we really think that finding one little thing that could be something would convince the rest of the world that we have the right belief and they should follow us? Does anybody expect the world's atheists to look at the stone and say "well, if you put it that way, I guess you're right"?

But here's the crunch, we hear news like this almost every day and not always from the religious people. How often have you heard scientists get all excited because they found something in a rock that looks like it could have been a worm from Mars therefore proving that everything they've ever said about GM crops is probably right? How long do they spend looking for stones to show the rest of the world that because there was a seashell on the seashore, riding on the back of a cellphone-savvy dolphin fifteen million years ago, every monotheistic faith must 'clearly' be wrong - simply because they're right (Does it have to follow that because a scientist is right about something, a theist must be wrong)?

I believe in Jesus. Not because I saw His face in a cloud, in a cucumber or on the grain of a piece of wood. Neither is it because there's an ark shaped object up a mountain somewhere and the Turkish government won't let me see it. Neither is it because I have a lucky charm around my neck that protects me. Neither is it because I think He's sending dead relatives to look after me. I believe in Jesus because I have a relationship with Him and that's it.

I supposed, to close this the way I started it, if I'd never met my dad, I wouldn't have any reason to believe anything about him. Sure, he was 'there', but there'd be nothing or nobody in whom to have any kind of belief. But because I know him, I know he's my father and that ongoing relationsip I have with him keeps the whole relationship relevant for me today.

The Neck Tie

What is it with the neck tie? Just putting a bit of fabric around your neck and tying it in a pretty knot is all it takes for some people to decide that you're worth talking to. Without a neck tie, you're a nobody, you're someone who can't be serious and you can't be trusted with anything that matters. But put on a neck tie and suddenly, it's all different!

"You're wearing a tie! Hey, come and preach at our church!"
"You're wearing a tie! Hey, you can make decisions!"

Just because someone's wearing a neck tie, it add a certain respectability to them which nothing else can do. It could mean the difference between innocent and guilty in a court of law and would almost certainly mean the difference between getting a job and not getting a job.

You could have degrees popping out of your ass but if you turn up for a job interview in shorts and a T-Shirt, forget about it. Yet, if you're a schmuck in a tie, whether or not you get the job will come down to whether your tie was as nice as the other person's tie. Get a nice tie and get on.

You can get all sorts of ties; black ties, red ties, ties with patterns on, ties with Mickey Mouse on, musical ties.... the list goes on. Yet each and every one of them functions the same way; It sits around your neck and does nothing. Nothing. It just sits there.

You don't need it to hold your shirt together, you don't need it it hold your head on, you don't need it to hang anything from; If it does anything, it's choking you and cutting off the blood supply to your head. How can your brain work properly if you've got something wrapped around your neck?

Who in their right mind would want to have something wrapped around their neck? Yet, if you don't have something wrapped around your neck, you're nothing. You didn't see people suddenly respecting criminals because they had a noose around their neck, but put some shiny blue cloth around there and hey, you can run a country.

How stupid is that!?

The world doesn't have a bigger putz than Ahmed Ahmedinejad, but even he's not so stupid as to think you have to wear a tie. Sure, he may have over stepped the mark by banning them (you allow for people to be stupid if they want), but if he can see that ties are stupid, why can't you?

There are people who will tut and shake their heads at me because I don't understand how respectable society works and how I just don't 'get' it, but what are you on about? Would you think I was any less stupid if I changed my mind and started wearing a tie from tomorrow? Would you think I was a little more righteous if I came to church on Sunday wearing a tie?

Even some modern churches say that you should wear a tie. Have you ever asked why you should wear a tie to church? Did Jesus wear a tie? Did Jesus even wear a culturally similar ornament on His person? They'll tell you to wear a tie to church because it shows respect. How on this blessed blue pearl as it wings its way around Sol is it any more respectable than someone who isn't wearing a tie!?

If you're going to come to my funeral, ties are banned and trainers are compulsory else you can't have any after-cremation snacks, okay?

What thought processes would have to take place for someone to decide to start wearing a neck tie anyway? What conclusion, other than conformity, would someone have to come to before deciding that a neck tie was for them?

Everything else a person wears does something, but a tie does nothing apart from making you look at least as good as the other person who's also wearing a tie. But the fact remains, it does nothing.

Plastic Clothes Hangers

I've got more plastic clothes hangers than I have hangable clothes. How did that happen? At what point did the clothes/hanger ratio flip in favour of the hangers? Who needs that many clothes hangers anyway?

I've only got a bee in my hat over this because these hangers, which are breeding like triffids, are piling up. No matter how many I put away or throw away, more appear and when they fall, they make the most horrendous noise! I swear to you, if I went a visited the bowels of hell today, I'd find vast mountain ranges, all made up with plastic clothes hangers and there's be enormous clothes hanger avalanches piling down the clothes hanger hills.

They bother me and they frighten me. Maybe the energy of the fall opens up a rift in the space where more plastic hangers can pop in from another universe or something? That would explain why I hate them - antimatter. Plastic clothes hangers are made up of antimatter.

Text Message Terrorists

(from my blog at rcopeh.blogspot.com)

There's a certain kind of terrorist who I'm sure we all know; It's the text message terrorist, the person who will drop a text, maybe two and then vanish until the next 'bomb' (boy are the CIA computers going to want to read this this post! Any keywords missing?)

The goal of the text message terrorist is to make you feel like trash and this is because you felt Ok and that is not allowed. This is how it goes; I get a text saying "Hi! How r u?" and you know what? That sounds pretty, pretty cheerful to me. So I reply with "I'm great thanks! What a stunning day! How are you?" to which I get the reply "I feel like crap. My life sucks and I hate myself. Glad ur havin a gud day". Being the caring friend, I may text back with some support or to ask if I can help, but no reply. I'll call, but no pickup.

Another example is the text which starts "Hi! How r u?" to which I reply with the same cheer and asking how they are and..... no reply. I often get a string of these where people want to know how I am and what I'm doing but won't tell me anything about themselves. Sometimes, I get wise to this and when I'm asked how I am, I reply "Great to hear from you. How are you?" to which a reply (if there is one) will be "so, ur nt goin 2 answer my q. Fine." So I end up feeding them a little information, just so that they don't feel I don't trust them, and I get no reply.

What is it with these people? What kind of human being asks how someone is but doesn't reply when they're asked the same by the person they just asked!? It's like they think they're more important or something so it's right that they should know what goes on in my simple life but I couldn't possibly begin to comprehend what goes on in their super-secret, MI5 lives?

If they could send messages in English, it'd help but these a dumb schmucks who act like they want me to walk around with a cloud, worrying that such'n'such is Ok. And you know what? I will (to a point) worry. That's what being a friend is about!

However, the bestest ever is the kind that plays out like a soap opera. What happens is that you become a support for someone. Maybe they're feeling lonely, down or just plain euch. It happens, we all go through it. However, once they're out, they're there teaching and preaching about how you're such a schmuck for thinking that they're the kind of person who could think in the context of such mind-numbing negativity. No, they weren't depressed, you were! What were you thinking! Listen to their advice! They know all about you and will direct you through every intricate detail of your life. They may even approve of some of the things you've done or thought of doing! How about that!? And now that you have the assurance that they're telling their friends about what kind of farbisener you are (despite putting up with their text terrorism), you can be sure of having knowing glances, nods and smirks from each and every single pashkudenyak there.

Because I'm a soft-hearted idiot, I let this happen to me a number of times before I figure that there's probably more to life than listening to people who are only going to preach back at me like some sort of mishugena. If I want that kind of interaction, I'll play with Robosapien V2 - at least that one speaks English.

Some of you who think you know me may be trying to work out who I'm talking about. Don't worry, you don't know these putzes, and I'm not talking about you. I know I can trust you. That's why I like you.

Thank you for reading.