The Neck Tie

What is it with the neck tie? Just putting a bit of fabric around your neck and tying it in a pretty knot is all it takes for some people to decide that you're worth talking to. Without a neck tie, you're a nobody, you're someone who can't be serious and you can't be trusted with anything that matters. But put on a neck tie and suddenly, it's all different!

"You're wearing a tie! Hey, come and preach at our church!"
"You're wearing a tie! Hey, you can make decisions!"

Just because someone's wearing a neck tie, it add a certain respectability to them which nothing else can do. It could mean the difference between innocent and guilty in a court of law and would almost certainly mean the difference between getting a job and not getting a job.

You could have degrees popping out of your ass but if you turn up for a job interview in shorts and a T-Shirt, forget about it. Yet, if you're a schmuck in a tie, whether or not you get the job will come down to whether your tie was as nice as the other person's tie. Get a nice tie and get on.

You can get all sorts of ties; black ties, red ties, ties with patterns on, ties with Mickey Mouse on, musical ties.... the list goes on. Yet each and every one of them functions the same way; It sits around your neck and does nothing. Nothing. It just sits there.

You don't need it to hold your shirt together, you don't need it it hold your head on, you don't need it to hang anything from; If it does anything, it's choking you and cutting off the blood supply to your head. How can your brain work properly if you've got something wrapped around your neck?

Who in their right mind would want to have something wrapped around their neck? Yet, if you don't have something wrapped around your neck, you're nothing. You didn't see people suddenly respecting criminals because they had a noose around their neck, but put some shiny blue cloth around there and hey, you can run a country.

How stupid is that!?

The world doesn't have a bigger putz than Ahmed Ahmedinejad, but even he's not so stupid as to think you have to wear a tie. Sure, he may have over stepped the mark by banning them (you allow for people to be stupid if they want), but if he can see that ties are stupid, why can't you?

There are people who will tut and shake their heads at me because I don't understand how respectable society works and how I just don't 'get' it, but what are you on about? Would you think I was any less stupid if I changed my mind and started wearing a tie from tomorrow? Would you think I was a little more righteous if I came to church on Sunday wearing a tie?

Even some modern churches say that you should wear a tie. Have you ever asked why you should wear a tie to church? Did Jesus wear a tie? Did Jesus even wear a culturally similar ornament on His person? They'll tell you to wear a tie to church because it shows respect. How on this blessed blue pearl as it wings its way around Sol is it any more respectable than someone who isn't wearing a tie!?

If you're going to come to my funeral, ties are banned and trainers are compulsory else you can't have any after-cremation snacks, okay?

What thought processes would have to take place for someone to decide to start wearing a neck tie anyway? What conclusion, other than conformity, would someone have to come to before deciding that a neck tie was for them?

Everything else a person wears does something, but a tie does nothing apart from making you look at least as good as the other person who's also wearing a tie. But the fact remains, it does nothing.