You Need a Wife, No You**Really** Need a Wife

There’s only one thing more irritating than Smug Couples, and that is Smug Christian Couples. Not all couples are smug and not all Christian couples are smug, but all Smug Couples, whether Christian or otherwise, are indeed smug.

The problem with Smug Christian Couples (let’s call them SCCs from now on) is that they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be single, and they’ve forgotten all of the factual statements they made while they were single.

You see, when they were single, they were there with all the genuine people saying “All you need is Jesus! Jesus is all the world to me! Jesus will make you whole! You only need Jesus to be complete! Jesus loves you! Jesus can be everything to you"!”, but no sooner are they on the sniff of heat and they’ve forgotten it all; “I need a woman! I need a woman! Nggggggg! Neeeeeeee! I need a woman right now!” and before you know it, they’re in a relationship and suddenly, single people don’t exist, and if they do, everything they do is done because they’re single and therefore utterly worthless.

“You’re only saying that because you haven’t got a girlfriend” is an  message that has been implied to me a number of times by SCCs. Suddenly, my opinions on world politics, the Middle East and the economic slowdown are of no importance because I’m not in a relationship. What I need, in the eyes of these wise ones is a wife since it’s only then that any of my opinions can be taken at all seriously.

Now, I’m not saying I don’t want a relationship; I’ve met some very beautiful and intelligent women in my time and I’d be a liar if I said the thought of a relationship never crossed my mind – come on! I’m a bloke! But to be treated as a social outcast is one thing; to be treated as a social outcast by people who themselves were treated as social outcasts is another.

Suddenly, they start saying all of the things that made them go all self righteously indignant when people said these things to them. If I ever do that, please someone – shoot me! Kill me! Stick my head on a spike and hold it up for all to see!

But it’s suddenly impossible to enthuse about a woman’s beauty without being told I need a wife. Oddly, if I enthuse about a wonderful vista from a mountain top, nobody tells me ‘you need a field’ or if I gush about the beauty of a idyllic coastline, nobody says ‘you need a sea’ (no Tim, I’m not talking about you). But when you’re single, it is impossible to do or think anything of any genuine import in the eyes of SCCs.

It’s like you only have half a brain until you’re dating, at which point you are finally attributed with the ability to think… which is kind of odd because from what I see, it’s precisely at this point that SCCs appear to stop being able to think!

Try and make yourself a better human being and learn from this blog post; just because you had measles, it doesn’t make you an expert on how to cure measles, but it does mean that you should remember how it feels.

And in case you lack the common sense to understand, nobody’s asking you for sympathy, only that you keep from sticking your arrogant boot in.